The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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