You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
