New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
