you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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