You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
