I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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