Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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