were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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