Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
