everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
