I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
