i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
