If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
