i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
