My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
