Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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