I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
