so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
