By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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