I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
