You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
