He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Everyone says I win the strip club
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
