im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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