the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
