The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
