I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
