i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
God I need to hump something, right now.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
