I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
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My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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