a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
