theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
