I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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