you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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