buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth