good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?