you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Someone signed my nipple.
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