i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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