So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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