how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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