The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
