I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
