i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
