I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
