She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
