My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
