So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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