Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
