On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
