My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
