There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
