at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
