Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
