I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
