One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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