i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
where does the pee come out of this thing
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
