Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
