I want to have your abortion
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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